Understanding Ambiguous Loss in the Expat Experience
You packed the bags, said goodbye, started the new job or followed the partner or chased the dream. And for a while, the rush of adrenaline and long list of logistics kept you moving along.
But every now and then, there’s a heaviness you can’t quite explain. You scroll past a family gathering on social media and feel a lump in your throat. You try to describe what you miss, but it’s too vague to name. It’s everything and nothing.
Living abroad often means holding joy and grief in the same hand. You gain incredible experiences, and yet you’re constantly adapting, translating, and letting go—of traditions, routines, identities, relationships. It’s not dramatic, but it’s deep. And it leaves many expats wondering why they feel untethered, or numb, or not quite like themselves anymore.
This is the shape of ambiguous loss—a kind of grief that is unseen, unspoken, and unresolved. It’s a slow, invisible unraveling.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss occurs when there is no clear closure. It’s different from mourning a death, where there’s a defined loss and a cultural script for how to grieve. With ambiguous loss, the lines are blurry. You may have lost something important, but it’s not fully gone—or not clearly recognized by others.
There are two main types of ambiguous loss:
Physical absence with psychological presence – someone is gone, but you still feel deeply connected to them (like a loved one who is missing or far away).
Psychological absence with physical presence – someone is physically here, but emotionally or cognitively unavailable (like in dementia or severe mental illness).
For expats, the first type often hits hardest. You’re physically separated from your support systems, your cultural norms, your roots. But those things still matter to you. They’re still there, somewhere—and that makes it harder to fully grieve.
Ambiguous losses blur the lines between joy and pain, presence and absence.
[Unsplash image by @evieshaffer]
Ambiguous Loss in the Expat Experience
Expat life is full of contradictions. You might feel both grateful and lonely, excited and exhausted. Many expats report:
Missing key life events back home: weddings, funerals, birthdays, or just everyday connection
Feeling disconnected from their cultural identity
Struggling with belonging: feeling “not quite at home” in either country
Losing aspects of their professional or personal identity
Grieving friendships that fade with distance or time zones
These experiences don’t always seem like “losses” at first. But they accumulate. And when they aren’t acknowledged or processed, they can lead to chronic homesickness, anxiety, numbness, or a sense of emotional flatness.
Why This Type of Grief Is So Hard to Name
The grief expats feel is often invisible—to others and sometimes even to themselves. You may hear messages like:
“You chose this life.”
“You’re lucky to be living abroad.”
“At least you can travel!”
These comments, however well-meaning, can lead to self-doubt and internalized shame. You may feel like you're not allowed to be struggling—or like something must be wrong with you for feeling this way. This is a hallmark of ambiguous loss: the grief doesn’t feel “valid,” so it often goes unprocessed.
But naming it helps. Once you recognize that what you’re feeling is grief, not weakness or failure, you can begin to work with it more compassionately.
How to Cope with Ambiguous Loss Abroad
There’s no quick fix for ambiguous loss—but there are ways to soften its hold.
1. Acknowledge the Losses
Give yourself permission to grieve the things you’ve lost—even if they don’t seem “big enough” to warrant it.
2. Create Rituals of Connection
Find ways to honor and stay connected to the people, places, and traditions you’ve left behind. This might look like regular video calls, journaling, or celebrating cultural holidays in your new environment.
3. Build Community Where You Are
It takes time to feel rooted in a new place. Seek out other expats, support groups, or local connections who can understand your experience without judgment.
4. Name the Ambiguity
Sometimes just saying “I don’t know what I’m grieving, but I feel it” can be powerful. It breaks the isolation that ambiguous grief can create.
5. Work with a Culturally-Aware Therapist
A therapist who understands the emotional challenges of living abroad can help you process grief, navigate identity shifts, and develop tools for emotional regulation. This is especially important if you're experiencing persistent sadness, anxiety, or detachment.
Final Thoughts
You can love your life abroad and still long for the things you’ve left behind. You can acknowledge that you chose this life and parts of it are really hard. Both things can be true.
Ambiguous loss in expat life is real, valid, and worthy of attention. The more we name it, the less power it holds—and the more space we create for healing, meaning, and connection.
Ready to talk to someone who understands?
I work with expats around the world to help them navigate the emotional complexity of life abroad—including grief, identity, and transitions. If you're feeling stuck or disconnected, reach out to schedule a free consultation.
